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Modern dating has an often unspoken about problem with racial fetishism, in which people actively seek out romantic/sexual partners based on their race; for example, saying "I really like Asian girls." By accepting a preference, we are allowing ourselves to distill people down to racial stereotypes.
During the BLM protests, the dating app Grindr spoke about solidarity by declaring they would remove the ethnicity filter present on their app. Yet the fact that this existed in the first place is emblematic of the acceptance of racial fetishism. OkCupid and Hinge also allow users to filter out other users based on their race, and have refused to remove the feature, claiming that it is mainly used by black users who wish to find other black users. [1]
Whilst there is something to be said about wishing to date someone that has experiences life in a similar manner to you (such as having to deal with white supremacy every day), these tools do more harm than good. In 2014, a study on Black/White dating online found that 80% of white users would only ever message other white users, whilst black users were 10 times more likely to message white users than the other way round. These filters are providing a space for white supremacy to flourish, even subconsciously. [2]
The fetishisation of Asian women is an often mocked yet hardly ever taken seriously aspect of dating, that seems to be seen as harmless preference. Common stereotypes include the white middle aged man with a young Asian bride (see: 90 Day Fiancé), or the anime-obsessed 'weebo' looking for an Japanese girlfriend (see: Reddit). This trivialisation promotes a colonial mindset, in which 'otherness' is applied to those of a different race, judging them by the colour of their skin rather than, as Martin Luther King put it, 'the content of their character.'
Pornography plays a key role in the promotion of racial fetishism, with videos often highlighting racial differences as a selling point. Users can filter to their preferred race, and categories cater to interracial scenes, often titled with derogatory terminology that includes physical racial stereotypes. With the consumption of pornography constantly rising, particularly among young people [3], racial fetishism is being passed on to the next generation, taught to notice and consider race as a matter of preference.
I am not suggesting that racial fetishism is a recent phenomenon. Indeed, as mentioned before, it is an echo of colonialism that has persisted to this day. Yet I think it is a seriously overlooked aspect of modern dating, and is long overdue a sustained effort to combat it.
REFERENCES
[2] Mendelsohn, G. A., Shaw Taylor, L., Fiore, A. T., & Cheshire, C. (2014). Black/White dating online: Interracial courtship in the 21st century. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(1), 2–18
Human attraction is a complicated thing, and there is definitely an argument to be made for the fact that we, as humans, cannot necessarily control who/what we find attractive and, further, that attempting to retool our sexual or romantic tastes is a harmful repression/denial of self (i.e. "Love is Love" and should be accepted as such).
But indeed, for a host of reasons, projecting a fetishized ideal onto someone is unsustainable and detrimental to relationships (primarily because the idealizer only chooses to see their partner as the category they desire, rather than as the individual their partner exists as). Yet I estimate an argument can also be made that monogamous relationships are preferential, and that someone who shuns long term committed relationships can go through life with the primary aim of exploring their sexuality and indulging themselves in what they find attractive.
I think you raise a good point about the fact that we shouldn't try and retool our sexual or romantic tastes, and there is certainly a danger to denying/repressing our natural attractions.
I guess what I'm more suggesting is that, we should be wary when we have preferences of attraction towards race, and look to identify if that attraction stems from subconscious acceptance/expectation of racial stereotypes. I personally (and I'm aware that this is quite a sweeping and somewhat exaggerated statement) believe that the majority of racial preference in dating will stem from those things, or at the very least will in some ways perpetuate viewing difference races as 'other' or 'exotic', and we should be mindful of that.
I'm with you both on this point.
Anything normative when it comes to sexuality seems to be terrifying: it's an infringement of our most intimate and private freedom.
there's a double standard when applied to women having preferences for certain types of men. i.e black men, etc.
Ultimately we shouldn't judge people for their fetishes anymore than we would like to be judged.
I understand that no one wants to find out they're being dated specifically because of race, but people date each other all the time, with nothing to go on but looks. ALL fetishes have the potential to turn toxic, this is not unique to the hyper specific racial fetish subcategory. If anything, racial fetishism is a massive problem for the person with the racial fetish. It must suck having a brain that is, say, mostly only turned on by black guys. Narrows your options.
Maybe I just haven't thought about this subject much, or maybe it's cause I'm white and haven't seen that perspective, or maybe I'm using a different definition for "fetishism" but I know a fuckton about fetishism from the practical end and I can't bring myself to entertain the idea that fetishizing race is an intrinsically bad thing.
Fetishism in almost every form can be fucking amazing when channeled properly. You just don't want to misapply it. You just don't want to dehumanize them (unless that's your+their fetish too). What's intrinsically wrong about being especially attracted to black people? Or asians? Or... Anything. Short people, fat people, smart people, w/e. Even really sketchy fetishes, like violent rape fetishes and sexual attraction to children for instance, is... well, obviously they can't ACT on it outside of artwork and roleplay, but is their fetish actually wrong, in and of itself? I would say no.
No one controls what makes them horny.
"Racial fetishism"
You mean preference?
People are allowed to have a preference. And it's also perfectly okay to want your children to look like you.
People have preferences, can't guilt them for that. Howwwwever, being racially ambiguous myself it does rub me the wrong way when i can change my accent or body language and attract different girls. Living in a majority white area has me often feelin like i'm an entree on a sampler platter, just a notch in girls bedposts, a tick off their checklist of what they want to try in their quest for experience. If i don't like a girl's personality i don't care if shes my fetish i won't sleep with her. But ive learned that girls are generally not like that.
I think our dating culture is generally driven by fetishism. We take time to make friends why don't we do the same with dating, marriage, cohabiting?
In fact, arranged marriages follow a better logic.
I commonly see "fetishism" used when the reality of the situation is simply sexual preferences.
The argument I see made in favour of fetishism, specifically in the case of Asian women, is that the men in question want a "submissive anime girl". However, I would strongly argue that most men just like Asian women because they're physically appealing. That's it. Races do physically look different, and certain desirable or undesirable body compositions are more likely to be found on a member of a certain race.
I would argue that if no assumptions are made about a stereotyped personality, "fetishism" is not present.
It would be no more accurate to say someone who likes Asian women as they're often slim and petite is fetishising them, than a woman is fetishing tall men for their height, etc. Just liking height isn't fetishising it; if you associate it with positive qualities, however, then it crosses the line.
I just don't think that line is being crossed when the majority of people making "racial preferences" are doing so strictly on a physical basis.
Make the case or invite a friend to comment!